Clarity.

2011-04-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Every story starts out with a guy, always.
There are theses moments of confusion that I don't quite understand yet that I can't figure out... and the only thing I can ask for is clarity.

I found it once. I was in Florida about a week ago, at this place called Eden, its the most magical place in the world... despite what Disney says. I was there after an arguement with my friends, and i just sat down to think. For a good 2 hours all I did was think. And for 8 minutes and 15 seconds I got my clairity. Thats all it took. No words. Just thoughts.

I realized that at 18 years old, I don't have the ability to tell you who I am. I can give you a list of things a mile long of who I want to be, and a list as big as Tennessee to tell you who I am not. But not one of who I am.

I also realized that not many people can tell you who they are. They can describe themselves by their actions but not by feelings and contradictions.

In that 8 minutes and 15 seconds I was able to realize that I need to know myself before I let someone get to know me. I need to discover me before someone else tells me about myself.

Thats a shit ton of realizing.

I think I need a life time of that before I could throughly open myself to someone.

All of this comes back to the guy. Most likely the most amazing guy possibly ever in the world. To be honest he really is the highlight of my day. When he isn't there I wonder what he is doing or who he is with.. and people have suggested and hinted at us becoming more.

It always brings me back to is it really something I am ready for?

I've talked this over in my head and what if I discover myself with someone... What if I let that weakness show? The cynic inside of me points out that if I do that, I will be tied to him forever. I mean... Is that a bad thing? Tying yourself to someone in such a big way, it a huge deal. Who does something like that at 18?!?! It's a big deal.

Its just something I need to think about more.

Maybe I don't have an empty heart after all..

A Southern Belle

Christmas

Clarity.